Evan Version 2.0

I wanted to talk a little to everyone about my experience in rehab since i'm leaving very soon. First I'd just like to say that I feel friggin amazing. Like a huge fog has been lifted. I feel healthy, i've been exercising daily and eating well. I feel like I can focus and take on the world again. I have a much different outlook on everything and I am so ready to get back to work and back to my passions which is now one of my main priorities.
There are a lot of people I need to acknowledge that have helped me out and given tons of support these past few months. So in no particular order, thanks to:
My dad, Dino Velvet, Greg Yuen, Baljeet Hayer, Anne Baker, Ilona, my sisters Carrie and Kylie, my aunts Maria, Roe, Josie and Shar, my cousins Anne, Nina, Lori, Lana and Lisa, Magan Rivas, my therapist Susan, my roomie Rick, Katie from LA, Stephen Bitner, Marcela Fabbri, Angela Wray and anyone who shot me a phone call or sent encouraging words on facebook. You all have been great and if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have ever gotten to rehab in the first place. The hardest part of admitting you have a problem and need help is not knowing what people's reactions will be and you have this overwhelming feeling of shame...but you guys showed unconditional love and friendship and in my opinion...you're the best! There is such a stigma and taboo about drug addiction and I wish more people talked about it openly and understood that it IS a disease and needs to be treated like one.
I've learned a lot about myself and addiction since I've been out here in Palm Springs. Before I came here my attitude was "why doesn't anything ever work out for me....why can't I have a good healthy relationship....I could care less about myself or you for that matter." I was in self destruct mode and totally blamed it on any person, place or thing besides myself. I can honestly say one of the most difficult things a person can do is take a good, hard and honest look at themselves. It's not fun. But now I realize it's all me. I did this to myself and no one is responsible for making me feel the way I do. If you're thinking..."if I only could get this job I'll be happy...or If I could only fall in love I'll be happy...etc," then you will be searching for happiness your whole life. Bottom Line. Life is gonna throw at you whatever it wants and if you don't grow from that, it will eat you alive. So I guess that's where I'm at. I'm learning from that dark place I was in and using it to motivate me to be a better person.
Another thing that I think a lot of people don't realize or want to realize is the effect drugs has on your brain. Every time you use, the false excitement you get is destroying your brains ability to produce dopamine, which is where your feeling of pleasure comes from. After a while your brain cannot produce dopamine unless drugs are involved. So if you're constantly getting high and wondering why you're miserable and depressed...well....duh....no dopamine. The good news is that your brain has a remarkable capacity to heal over time. Just in a couple of months I've noticed this but it can take years to fully heal. This also means that even months after someone stops using, you might not notice a huge change in their behavior. This is a LONG healing process and I can't expect over 10 years of serious abuse to heal in just 2 months...but I'm looking forward to getting my dopamine back.
But enough about that. I've had tons of time to think about what's really important to me. I'm about to receive some long-overdue and much deserved money which I'm going to invest in my studio and get back to finishing the album I started in Nicaragua. I'm also hoping to possibly open my own recording studio where I can continue to help produce emerging artists and spread some more knowledge to youngsters. I'm going to completely immerse myself in music and art...the place that puts a TRUE smile on my face. I know that as long as I'm doing good...good things will happen. The past is behind me and will stay there...I'm living in the present.
I'd like to ask my friends to help me out and respect me by not using drugs around me. In fact, it would be better if you didn't even talk about it for awhile. Even just saying the word still hits a trigger in the back of my mind so just do me a favor and respect the fact that I can't have that around me right now. Chances are that if we used to do drugs together you're not going to see me around as much anyway. Nothing personal...you're still my homies...that's just not my life anymore.
I'd also like to apologize again to my family, friends and ex-girlfriends for acting like a complete dumb ass for so many years. I hope u find it in your hearts to forgive me and I hope you find comfort in knowing that I'm doing everything I can to not be that selfish person anymore. After all, life is too short to hold grudges.
I hope I didn't come off sounding too preachy. I'm only writing this because it helps me tremendously to do so, and I hope that maybe it inspires some people to at least cut back on the drugs and alcohol for a bit. The worst thing that could happen is you feel better...
Love Ya'll
Peace
evan